I Am Out Earning my Partner and it’s Affecting the Relationship!
Jul 05, 2024
Once upon a time, it was normal for men in heterosexual couples to earn more - his wife either
didn’t work in the paid workforce, or she was subject to unequal pay laws. (Fun fact, it was only
in 1969 that it became a legal requirement in Australia to pay women and men the same wages
for the same role! Yep, pay equality is as new as travel to the moon.)
As women have taken to post-school education in droves, and charted their own career paths,
the tables have turned. Now, women are the primary earners in around 40% of households.
(And yet, each week, women spend eight hours more than men on unpaid domestic work.
What a riddle!)
Given the wide range of careers and income levels open to us all, it’s common to see
differences in a couple’s earnings. But regardless of who the higher earner is, financial disparity,
if not managed well, can cause tensions in a relationship.
Financial disparity can play out in a range of ways, and much of it depends on how couples set
up their household finances, and how well they communicate.
For example, if one partner is earning more, and their finances are kept separate (with
household costs split 50/50), it can lead to lifestyle differences … and friction. Want to go on a
fancy holiday? The lower earner can’t afford it. Want to splash out on a nice restaurant? The
higher earner is happy to, but it will blitz their partner’s budget.
If the household finances are combined, it can even out the lumps and bumps of different
incomes. The risk is that one starts to resent the other. The higher earner may judge the lower
earner for being frivolous or spendy with ‘their’ money. Or the lower earner could feel their
partner is scrutinising every decision they make, and feels judged for it.
In the worst cases, one person earning more and paying for all (or nearly all) of the household
expenses can lead to the lower earner feeling ‘trapped’. If they are unhappy in the relationship,
they find it difficult to leave because they can’t afford to, or they feel a sense of obligation for the
money that’s been spent on them.
It’s useful to recognise that money is never just about the dollars and cents. In the words of
relationship expert Dr Esther Perel, “By the time we join financial forces with a partner, we’ve
written an entire encyclopedic collection of stories about money and what it represents, often
without realising it.
It can be particularly difficult when couples don’t have clarity on their financial goals and
priorities. If one person is keen to save for a home, or retirement, or another long term goal,
then they need support from their partner. But if either the higher or lower earner doesn’t agree,
it can lead to arguments about what sort of savings goal is reasonable, how it affects each
person, and where and when ‘splurges’ are ok.
Similarly, people often have their own sense of what ‘good’ spending is. The stereotypical
picture is a man who likes to spend on cars, sports equipment and power tools, while his wife
spends on clothes, beauty and accessories. Of course, it’s not as simple as this - we all have
our own quirks when it comes to spending - but the key point is that each person has their own
views on what’s ‘worthwhile’ spending on. If they judge the other person’s priorities, it can lead
to conflict.
Communication and honesty are critical in this case. Finances are the primary reason for
relationship conflict in 40% of disagreements between long term partners, according to a 2022
study. Thus, learning how to manage the friction related to money, and the financial disparities
between partners, is a key to relationship success.
Every relationship is different, but in the situation where a woman earns more, the effect of
gender norms can add a layer of difficulty.
For men who have been socialised to believe their value is bound up in being a ‘provider’ or
‘breadwinner’, it can affect their self-esteem when they earn less. And this can chip away at a
relationship, if they feel the need to exert their power in other ways, or to seek validation from
their partner about their value as a man.
For women who are the primary earner, the gender norms can work against them if they also
take on the lion’s share of domestic labour. As mentioned above, stats show that women do
more unpaid domestic and care work, and this is even the case when they are working full-time.
It’s little wonder that in a survey by Women’s Agenda, 77 per cent of women who responded
believe they had experienced burnout over the past year.
Of course this isn’t the case for every partnership. Same-sex couples may have different gender
norms playing into their relationship dynamics, for example. And for men who have rejected the
narrow ideas of ‘manhood’, the pressure of being a breadwinner can be much less.
Like most relationship issues, good communication is essential. As the renowned relationship
expert, Dr John Gottman, says: “Money is loaded with power and meaning that can make
discussions heated and hurtful. Arguments about money aren’t about money. They are about
our dreams, our fears, and our inadequacies.”
To move past these arguments, Dr Gottman recommends getting to the meanings and thoughts
beyond the money itself.
Perel agrees that it’s not just about money, and says couples need to “understand the deeper
beliefs and vulnerabilities money represents in our relationships.”
Whether this is through clear and honest conversations alone, or with a professional counsellor,
it’s important to get to the underlying issues.
On the more practical side, a money coach or financial adviser can work with couples to help
set up their finances in a way that works for them. Perhaps they contribute to shared expenses
as a percentage of their income - e.g. the higher earner contributes 70% and the lower earner
30%. The key is to agree what’s fair to them, then set up the practical frameworks with this in
mind.
Transparency and regular check-ins can also help -aka a ‘money date’. Using budgeting apps or
spreadsheets give couples a chance to sit down and go through things together, to discuss
where they’re at financially, and to share any thoughts or concerns about their money journey.
Speak to one of our LFC money coaches HERE.
